


Just Another Week in the 'Dale

by shybob



Series: Spike's Slayers [5]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Post-Season/Series 07 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 17:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shybob/pseuds/shybob
Summary: Drunken conversations, cat-napping demons, and Dawn learns to drive a clutch.





	Just Another Week in the 'Dale

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, United Paramount Network, and Fox Television. This work is not for profit, and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material implied, nor any infringement intended.

*     *     *

"Do it again!"

The blonde vampire's human face morphed into the visage of a monster. He violently tore into the remaining beer can with his fangs. "Grr. Arg!" Beer squirted everywhere.

Dawn laughed so hard she fell off the barstool, and landed in an undignified heap on the concrete floor of the bar. The brunette pulled her long hair back and out of her face, then peered around the bar, looking for some sort of evil, barstool-stealing demon. Aside from the Chosen One, her vampire, and the bartender the place was empty.

"Where's them trusty slayer reflexes when ya need 'em, eh Bit?" Spike looked at the second ruined can of Guinness on the table. The thick brown liquid was dripping off the table and onto the floor. _What a bloody shame to waste it._ Something tugged at his leg. He glanced down at his dark haired slayer, who was trying to tie the laces of his Docs together. He bit back a grin and pulled his legs out of her inebriated grasp.

"Spike!" The most feared warrior for the forces of good whined up at him from the floor.

"C'mon, luv. Time for the good guys to go home."

"Don't wanna."

_Lord, deliver me from drunken Slayers._ "That's it, no more bar trips for you." Spike got up and threw a couple of twenties on the table. Then he leaned over and picked Dawn up from the floor.

She squirmed in his arms. "Piggyback."

Spike let out a sigh. "Fine, luv, piggyback it is." They performed a minor feat of acrobatics that ended up with Dawn leaning comfortably against Spike's back. They headed out into the night.

"Bye, Willy." The Slayer called out over her shoulder.

"Bye, guys." Willy shook his head. _Crazy kids. Can't believe they're still together. Hope they get a happy ending._

 

*     *     *

"Tell me a story, Spike."

"Once there was a little chit that imposed on others for piggyback--Ow!"

Dawn let Spike's ear slip out of her teeth. "Don't make me go all Mike Tyson on you!"

Spike continued. "Once there was a beautiful young woman who was the Slayer. She was the oldest girl ever Chosen, but that didn't matter. She did her job well, and she loved her friends, and she picked on poor, helpless, souled vampires-"

Dawn looked at Spike in irritation. "I don't pick on Angel, you ponce!"

Spike grinned at her language, and resumed his story. "--who had sharp wit and a keen sense of style. She was feared by all the nasty, evil things in the land. Their evil schemes were always thwarted by the Slayer because she was good and pure-"

Drunken laughter from his passenger interrupted Spike. "And virginal too, Spike? I think your story is going off into lala land." Dawn took over the story. "Let's see...the Slayer always beat the evil thingys because she had a brave ally. Her handsome lover, who himself had been an evil thing, now fought the good fight. And together they saved the day, and rode off into the sunset-"

"Night," Spike interrupted.

"Yeah, rode of into the night, so as not to get crispified." Dawn closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of being carried. "Spike?"

"Yeah, ducks?"

"What do you think will happen to Xander and Willow?"

"Dunno, pet. They don't exactly seem to be looking for dates now, do they?"

"Nuh uh. I think maybe they could be happy together."

"Like us?"

Dawn smiled. "Yup. 'Bitey orgasm friends' as Anya would say."

"Mebbe. It's complicated. They've both been through so much, that maybe they can't go there."

The silence grew while Dawn pondered. "Like Angel and Cordy?"

"Mmm-hmm. They got to a point where their history got in their way. They couldn't go back--no one can--and they couldn't move forward together in that direction. Bleedin' tragic."

"Spike! Was that sympathy for Angel?"

The blonde vampire cringed. "I bloody well think not! I just feel for the cheerleader, is all. She's good people. Deserves some happiness with all the rot that she's been through."

"Yeah. She even had to put up with Harmony before she was a vampire." Dawn glanced at Spike out of the corner of her eyes.

"Ha bloody ha. You can walk the rest of the way if you think you're so bright."

"Sorry, Spike. It's just...Harmony?"

"Not like anyone else was welcoming me with open arms, was it?"

"I liked you, Spike."

"Yeah, but only 'cause I had the whole 'I'm evil and good looking' thing going for me."

"More like a cute puppy that couldn't bite."

"I'll bite you now if you beg."

"Spike, you're a pig."

"Ditz."

"Soul-boy."

"Amazon."

"I'm not that tall. Sissy."

"Trollop."

"Vampire."

"Slayer."

The two demons that had been stalking along after the pair for several minutes stopped and looked at each other. They turned and scurried off into the night to find less difficult prey.

 

*     *     *

"Ca-what-sis?"

Giles peered at Dawn over the tops of his spectacles. The Slayer was obviously nursing a hangover this morning. She had asked the question quietly, head in her hands, and sunglasses on. Inside the shop. Giles strove to keep his disapproval out of his reply. "Khyrensus."

"Ain't seen any of those blokes in a decade," Spike commented as he watched Giles struggle against the urge to polish his glasses.

"Yes, well, apparently they're almost extinct. Their numbers have been greatly reduced over the years through run-ins with humans, other demons, and bad luck. A small band recently made its way to Sunnydale."

Spike leaned back in his chair. "'S'okay. They aren't that tough. Me an' the hung-over WonderNibblet here can take 'em on half-dozen at a time, easy."

"Very well. Let me know how patrol goes tonight."

"Sure thing, Watcher." Spike stood and headed for the back door.

Dawn followed him with her eyes alone, her head lying sideways on her arms. "Where're you going?"

"Out for a smoke, luv."

"Be careful."

"Yes, mum, I'll mind the shade and not speak to strangers." Spike sauntered off.

Giles bit off a chuckle when Dawn turned an evil eye on him. "Well, um, I really must check some inventory." He hurried off in the direction of the basement stairs.

 

*     *     *

"I want you to quit smoking." Dawn walked next to the artificially blonde vampire as they patrolled a residential area of the town, consisting mostly of apartment buildings and old duplexes.

Spike's eyebrows threatened to crawl up off his forehead. "And what brought this on?"

"Well, I'm alive, even if you aren't. And even if I'm doomed to die an early death because of Slayerdom, I think it ought to be with shiny pink lungs, don't you?"

"Pet, you live in a city. Ask that coroner buddy of yours to see what someone's lungs look like even if they don't smoke."

Dawn frowned at him. "That's not the point"

*Bollocks, here it comes: 'If you loved me you'd quit.'*

"Spike-"

"If you try emotional blackmail on this one, Slayer, I'll move back into my old mausoleum."

"You could wear a patch for the nic fix. Then there's just the oral fixation. You could, like, chew gum or something."

"Not bloody likely!" _As if a master vampire would be caught chewing gum!_

"Fine." Dawn kicked a can and stomped off down an alley, muttering under her breath.

"I heard that, luv." Spike hurried to catch up.

The blonde vampire watched a skinny kid peer over a fence into the alley as he and Dawn approached. The kid called out. "Here, Toby. Come on, Toby." He noticed the two figures clad in black leather coats. "Hey mister, seen my cat?"

"Sorry, squirt." A Slayer-strength elbow jabbed him in the ribs. "But I'll keep a lookout, okay?"

"Thanks, mister!"

"See, Spike, it doesn't hurt to be nice to people."

"No, the hurtin' part obviously comes right before!"

Dawn looked thoughtful. "You know, Spike, this is the third missing cat from this area this week."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, your kitten-poker ring is gone, right?"

Spike grinned. "Yeah, they never did recover after the hurt your sis' put on 'em. 'Sides, these are cats missing, not kittens."

"So what else would be taking the cats?"

"Well, something could be eating them-"

"Eew!" Dawn grimaced.

"-or using them for a sacrifice."

"That's horrible, Spike."

Spike looked at her. "Well, duh. Evil."

Dawn's forehead wrinkled as she thought. "Like a dark ritual to help out a downtrodden tribe of demons?"

"Let's go call your Watcher."

 

*     *     *

Dawn leaned against the counter next to the kitchen sink. The blackout curtains on the window behind her kept out all hints of afternoon sun. Spike stared at her after she stopped speaking. He was even more pale than usual. "You want to WHAT?" It had taken a moment for the Slayer's words to register. Spike's mug of blood shook in his hand.

"C'mon, Spike."

"Absolutely not! I refuse!"

"Spike, I'm nineteen years old and I don't know how to drive a stick shift."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's a soddin' tragedy."

"A little more sarcasm, please."

"Nibblet, it's just..."

"It's WHAT, Spike? I'm out there every bloody night saving the world, fighting demons, and battling the forces of darkness and you don't want to teach me to drive stick?"

"Well-"

"And don't say it's not important. I need to be able to drive whatever car I have to. Don't you want me to be able to take care of myself?"

"Now just a bleedin'--"

"I thought you wanted me to be self-reliant?" The last was said with a bit of a pout.

_She just doesn't fight fair._ "All right, luv. If we get through this in one piece, I'll teach you."

"Now you KNOW I'm going to kick some evil butt."

 

*     *     *

Patrol had been quiet for most of the evening. Spike finally spotted two Khyrensus demons in the side alley of an apartment complex. He touched Dawn's elbow to get her attention. One of the demons had managed to corner a large, orange cat. As Dawn and Spike watched, the demon scooped up the cat, and thrust it into the sack carried by the other. Spike glanced at his partner. "Ready to rock, Slayer?"

Dawn raced towards the demons. A flying side-kick knocked one off its feet. Spike punched the one that still remained standing. It went down with a grunt. Dawn finished off her opponent with a dagger thrust through the chest, then looked over at the vampire. "Spike, quit screwing around and kill it!"

Spike looked annoyed. Sarcasm rolled off his words. "I thought, you know, maybe we could question him about dark rituals and all."

"Oh. Of course." Dawn blushed, then opened up the sack to let the two cats out.

Spike looked down at his demon captive. "Alright, mate. We can do this the easy way, or-"

Dawn interrupted, annoyed. "Spike!"

"Okay, okay. There is no easy way. Tell me what I want to know and I won't torture you." The terrified demon began to speak.

Five minutes later, Spike dragged the second demon's corpse to a convenient dumpster. "Gotta love Sunnyhell Department of Sanitation." He looked over at Dawn, still playing with one of the cats. "Hey, ducks, let's motor. We learned what we needed about the animal sacrificing ritual."

"But Spike-"

"No, you cannot keep that cat. It belongs to someone else. Just let the blighter go!"

Dawn frowned as she released the cat, and watched it slink off into the dark.

 

*     *     *

Dawn walked into the living room the next evening with a Snapple in one hand and a mug of A positive in the other. Spike stood looking at a picture on the wall. It was the first picture Dawn had ever taken; her mother and Buffy had been making cookies when Dawn snuck into the kitchen with a camera. Buffy had just said something funny, and both of the older Summers women had smiles on their faces. Spike traced the frame with a finger. Dawn put the drinks down, and embraced him from behind. She rested her chin on his shoulder, and spoke quietly. "Do you ever miss her?"

"Your sis?"

"No, your family. Your mom."

"Oh. Yeah, I think about me mum once in a while."

"But you don't think about her all the time." It wasn't a question.

"Don't think that you're forgetting about Joyce just because you don't think about her all the time. You move on with your life."

"But..."

Spike turned in her arms so he faced her. "What--you don't want to? You want to be in the same place that you are today for the rest of your life? Wear the same pair of jeans, have that same scrunchie in your hair?"

"Eew, no. That was a little different response than I expected."

"Thought about it once. Sat in a burnt-out building for two days watching a dead body."

Dawn arched one eyebrow.

"No, I didn't kill him. I'd come off a heckuva bender, and woke up in a condemned building. Some homeless bloke'd overdosed or something. It got me thinking. I just sat and thought and looked at him."

"And after two days? You left 'cause you came to some earth-shattering conclusions?"

"No. Well, kind of. I mostly had to leave 'cause of the smell."

"Hmm." Dawn looked unconvinced.

"Anyhow, I figured if you don't keep going, you're dead. So you've got to move on. It's life."

"But they're gone, Spike. I've lost so many people. I just don't know what would happen if I lost you."

"Well, I 'spect the 'glorified bricklayer' and the Watcher would dance a jig."

Dawn smacked him on the shoulder. "That's not true. You know they like you now. Respect you, even. They trust you with me."

"Yeah. Scary, innit?"

"Stop joking Spike; I'm serious. What if you died?"

His gaze became more stern. "Your life would continue. You'd mourn me, and avenge my death, and keep on fighting the good fight."

Dawn buried her face in Spike's chest. "I guess." Her voice was muffled by his shirt.

"Isn't that what you’d want me to do if it was the other way ‘round?"

"You know, sometimes it's scary how you can get inside my head."

Spike grinned. "Comes from cleanin' up after you for the past couple of years, and listenin' to you prattle on."

Dawn looked up at him again. “To quote a smart-assed vampire, ‘ha bloody ha.’"

Spike gave Dawn a quick hug, then grew serious again. "You okay Bit?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, luv, then go get ready. We've got some serious work tonight. Gonna stop some baddies from havin’ a blood sacrifice."

 

*     *     *

The door crashed in on the warehouse. On a sacrificial altar, a demon shaman in a robe held a cat in one hand and an arthame in the other. Nearly two dozen Khyrensus demons looked from their shaman on the altar towards the pair standing in the doorway, silhouetted against the streetlight's yellow glow. The young woman held a sword in her hands. Her blond companion carried a well-used axe. It was the woman who spoke. "Time to die, kitty killers!"

"Cripes, Nibblet, that was awful!" Then Spike had no more time to talk as a horde of demons rushed towards them.

 

*     *     *

EPILOGUE

The borrowed pickup truck hit the dip at fifty miles an hour. The bumper stickers proudly proclaimed "I'm an X-man, too" and "Carpenters know how to use wood." The truck passed through the intersection with all four wheels off the ground. The inevitable landing on the far side was met with a string of curses from the vampiric passenger, and a grunt from the female driver.

"Christ, woman, that light was red! And slow the damned auto!"

"Don't be a wuss, Spike. There wasn't anyone else in the intersection. Besides, I know how YOU drive."

"I'm bloody well teaching you how to shift properly. I don't fancy being dusted in a car accident after more than a century of surviving angry mobs, wars, and Slayers. 'Sides, it's not your truck. "

"Fine, Mr. Grumpy Vampire, I'll slow down. And I don't see why we had to use Xander's truck anyway."

"A, he's the only one of the Scoobies who has a stick-shift, and second, nobody else feels sorry enough for you to let you trash their clutch. And be careful; if you bugger the truck up we'll have to let Harris borrow the De Soto."

Dawn tossed her hair as she downshifted, grinding the gears. "Hey, the car ran fine when I drove it last. You're the one that overheated your classic, trying to be all 'World's Wildest Demon Chases.' Besides, it should have gone in the shop last week."

Spike exhaled loudly. _I'm too bloody old for this crap. I swear, I'll have the carpenter teach her._ He reached into his shirt pocket for a smoke and came out with a pack of gum. He looked at Dawn in disbelief. "Just bloody priceless."

Dawn looked over at the vampire and smiled. "Love you too, Spike."

FIN

 

*     *     *


End file.
